Sighs

I hate talking about my issues. I hate confronting people. I hate admitting how sad or angry I actually am.
And I know how bad it is that instead of doing what I should do - being honest and confronting my issues - I instead bottle them up or tell others which again would make me feel bad.

And I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired of not telling people how I feel. And I can't even blame them for making me angry or sad cause I don't tell them and they would forever not know.

But I hate conflicts. I'm aware that I 'need' them in order to grow etc. but I hate conflicts and I try to avoid them, which is what leads me to more problems I guess. No closure and those bottled feelings don't just fade, it turns into grudges.

And I'll just turn into a bitter old lady if I don't change.

The Worst Girlfriend

Sometimes, people tell me how lucky someone would be to have me. Someone even called me the ideal girl. No, I'm not trying to boast. But, everytime someone says that, I can't help but snigger at the comment. Because you have no idea how bad I would be as someone's girlfriend/wife

For 1,
I am The Overly Attached Girlfriend. I'd want to know what he's doing, where he is all the time. I'm not even kidding. And if he doesn't tell me one single detail, I'd go all ballistic and emotional. I'd tell him that he doesn't care about me and stuff and that is enough to make a guy freak out.

As if that ain't enough, I'm also The Controlling Girlfriend. You want to wear shorts? NO YOU CAN'T, THAT'S AURAT. You want to go out lepak at night? GO ON IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME MERAJUK. You want to be friendly with other girls? YOU DON'T LIKE ME ANYMORE. Abide by my rules, baru I happy hahahah.

The Make-You-Rimas Girlfriend probably describes me as well. If he upsets me, I expect him to pujuk me. If he doesn't? I spam his whatsapp/message inbox with messages saying how hurt I am and bla bla bla. I send around 100 (or more). Then I'll call him till he picks up. And if he upsets me again, I'll hang up but then I'll call him back just to tell him how hurt I am and stuff.

I can also be The Insecure Girlfriend. Oh I would just tell him how much I hate myself. I would tell him that I don't think I'm pretty or smart and that he can find some other girl much better than me. And it doesn't happen rarely. I'd probably do it every single day. Cause that's how bad I am.

The Unforgiving Girlfriend. Which means I would say that I forgive his mistakes but inside, I haven't. I would talk about his past mistakes over and over again and just not let it go. If I make a mistake, I would talk about his again. I just won't let myself forgive and forget his wrongdoings.

If people knew how scary and annoying I am, they'd probably run away. I would be the worst girlfriend ever. I am just so frustrating and my future husband would probably feel like throwing things around because of how frustrating I am. Which makes me scared of getting married. Because I'm scared he would run away and find someone else (insecure girlfriend alert!)

But well, everyone has their weaknesses. The important thing is to accept your other half's weaknesses and find someone who will tolerate with yours. And well, reflect upon yourself and try improve yourself.

And thank you to horsey for tolerating with my ridiculous behaviours :P

Of Candy Crush and CNBlue

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Due to the boredom that I face each and every single day of this loooonnnggg holiday, I have become quite obsessed with a few things, namely Candy Crush (I'm finally on level 96 now) and CNBlue.

So I am actually the type of person who rarely plays games. However, since people have been talking about Candy Crush a lot, I decided to download it, but I didn't play it lol. After horsey became obsessed with it, I tried playing the game. And last last I'm the one yang obsessed while he has moved on already.

If you have read one of my previous posts, you'd know that I became a kpop lover during the end of Form 3 and stopped sometime in Form 4. So I was sucked into the korean entertainment because of Innocent Man, however I stopped right after that. THEN, I started watching Running Man, THEN someone told me to watch We Got Married - YongSeo couple. AND THEN, I became a BOICE (a term which refers to a CNBlue fan)
And may I explain that CNBlue is completely different from the other KPop groups such as SuJu, SHINee and yatta yatta because CNBlue is a band and they are super talented (especially Yonghwa!!) and Imma stop talking about them now.

But lama lama, it got me thinking. All this obsession is pointless and it's taking me further from Allah and I should tone it down a little. Maybe liking it is fine, but I shouldn't spend every waking second playing Candy Crush and watching CNBlue because it won't help me in the hereafter.

What if I die tomorrow and the last thing I did was fangirl over CNBlue or get excited because I got to the next level of Candy Crush.

Disappear

Again. I feel like disappearing from the realm of social networks. I don't gain any benefit at all. I wish I never made my Twitter account again. But I'm scared I'll disappear and appear again after a few months.

Ugh, I hate this. I don't know what benefit Twitter even gives me. And even worse, Facebook.

Absolutely nothing good comes out of Facebook. At least I receive some useful information from Twitter. Ugh.
I spend too much precious time on useless things like these.
I need to live.
I need to do things.

And if you say Facebook is useful to connect with people, then yes it certainly is but it's not like I even keep in touch with anyone.

So I hope this is the last time I'm saying goodbye to Facebook. Au revoir.

P.S.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah!

But I'm just going to try out for this thing since they only offer accounting and I want to do actuarial science (Bank Negara, please take me lol)

I hope I get to go to the thing with Adreena, my first actual interview (whereas Adreena has done 2 already)

Pray for me guys!

KPM Bursary

Alhamdulillah, I've already secured a place at Taylor's College Subang for A-levels under the KPM Bursary.

I can't say how thankful I am. But I'm only going if I don't succeed in attaining the Bank Negara scholarship. Which I am really not expecting much from since I applied for the Kijang Emas scholarship. And well it's a fact that so many other people are much more intelligent and confident than me and they only pick 4 people on average each year.

So I am really not expecting much.

Whatever it is, I'm so thankful and I think Allah has given me so much already, Alhamdulillah.

Please pray for me dears, I hope Bank Negara calls me soon :(
The interviews for those who applied for Kijang scholarship is currently going on. So if I'm not mistaken the interview for Kijang Emas will be coming up soon (maybe? I don't know).

Pray for me guys. I'm hopelessly hoping for the Bank Negara scholarship.
Good luck to all of you as well in your future endeavours. Remember to always give your maximum effort and keep making du'a. May you all succeed in dunya and akhirah.

And pray for my horsey, he's going through a stressful time with his work and will be taking his MUET soon :3

Driving Experience.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

On 14/3, I passed my JPJ test and I was just so ecstatic because I didn't have to repeat it again. Alhamdulillah for that. I practised every evening with my mom so I would've been quite sad if I didn't pass. So again, Alhamdulillah.
I was supposed to go and get my P license on the same day as results day but alas, we arrived at Harmony Driving Academy just a few minutes after the closing time. But well, asalkan dah siap kan lesen tu.

So before this day I haven't been able to drive much since my dad is scared of my driving. The first time I drove with my new license was to 7-11 which was in the next neighbourhood so it wasn't far. Then the second time, on my way back from One Utama but I only drove for like... 5km or soming. Idk I can't judge distances well hahah.

Today though, I drove all the way to KL!! :) :) :) :)
Hahahaha. This is the first time I've driven on a highway and stuff so I was pretty excited. We went to Zoo Negara and Petrosains today. We as in mom, Hafiz, Hannah, Aunty Jaza, Haikal and Kimi. Bawak budak kecik berjalan.

Driving was okay except for the times where I have to keluar simpang. Ooohhh I hate those parts. It just intimidates me - the fact that there are so many cars and I might hit one of them. But then it was alright cause I have my mom shouting next to me - worse than having a JPJ.

This was me driving, macam muka marah kan? HAHA ni sebenarnya muka focused okay. Macam tengah berlakon dalam movie pun ada, perasan jap.

I was horned 2 times. And parking in KLCC was a nightmare. I was so stressed I honestly felt like crying hahaha. But oh well it was a nice experience to have driven so far. And I had quite a nice and productive day.

Wonderful Emotions.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Okay, I had a wonderful (most wonderful) day yesterday. *deep breath.
I thought I'd like to share it hihihi. I am so thankful to Allah for my tremendously amazing day.

So um. Cough. The day I got my SPM results, Sadiq's mom told me to tell her my results and so I did. She then said that she wanted to treat me. I honestly thought she was kidding, but then I whatsapped Sadiq's sister (Mimi) who's also my tuition student. She told me that her mom wanted to bring me out to dinner.

So we set the date on Sunday. I initially thought it was just going to be aunty, Mimi (and possibly Sadiq), but then it turned out the whole family was going (including their grandma). I was nervous as hell thinking about it haha.

Yesterday morning I got ready and stuff and by 10.50 I was all ready and sitting downstairs trying not to think. Mimi then whatsapped me and stuff saying I should chill. And then I was so scared that I looked like a makcik so I (at the last minute) changed my whole outfit. Nasib baik diorang tak sampai lagi.

Me: Oi cuak nak mati ya Allah. Nak mati jap.
Mimi: Ehh jangan laa. Chill! Kitaorang bukan gorilla.
Me: Hahaha, tangan sejuk gila
Mimi: Hahaha, cool down.

Ok yes, I was so so so so so so nervous I felt like my heart could stop. And I really couldn't believe that my mom let me go I mean it's of course not something moms would easily give permission to... for my mom at least.

So then they arrived so I was like k I actually held my mom's hand masa nak keluar rumah because I was so so so scared. Then aunty keluar kereta cakap nak belanja I sekejap and my mom told me to behave then I went in the car then boom.

Ok no boom, it was alright. Aunty was so nice, she talked to me and all. And I was okay with Mimi so it wasn't SO awkward but I was of course all shy shy. I am not my best friend, Farhanah who is talkative and so peramah. Aunty belanja dim sum at Quality hotel and it was so delicious like seriously. I tak pernah makan dim sum dekat Malaysia actually so Alhamdulillah dapat rasa.

I was so full I felt like my stomach could explode, dahlah memang terbiasa makan sikit but then we managed to finish most of it. Everyone was just so full. So it was all okay. And maktok diorang was just so unintentionally funny cause of the things she said. After lunch we went to masjid shah alam for Zuhur :3
Then they didn't know where to go but Mimi said she wanted to go to Uniqlo so we went to One Utama teehee and uncle wanted to buy me something so aunty told me to pick something.

I was like aunty takpayah aunty but she kept insisting so then Mimi tolong I pilih so I picked a blue cardigan hihi ugh it was just so nice of uncle. I was blushing like mad sebab I really didn't want uncle to belanja me ahah Sadiq laughed masa aunty told him uncle wanted to buy me something. So then diorang nak pergi minum petang, I couldn't believe that cause I was so fulllllllllll but then we did pergi Rasamas yang dekat BBSB tu. Aunty belanja I tiramisu lol banyak kan aunty belanja?

So then it was time to go home but singgah rumah diorang sekejap cause aunty wanted to give my mom pisang tanduk (in my heart I was happy cause dari haritu lagi my mom wanted pisang tanduk). And I met Dora the cat who I always hear of and she was so adorable hihi.

Then they sent me back and I was ecstatic cause I had a good day. Aunty was just so so nice and uncle too. The whole family was nice to me. Aunty siap bagi lecture about sunnah semua and that we have to follow sunnah kalau tak boleh jadi bid'ah. And she invited my family to go to hadith and tafsir classes dekat rumah Johan (Sadiq's cousin). Aunty is such a lemah lembut person and I really like her :)

The end.

Haha no it was not the end of my great day. Masa balik tu I told my mom I wanted to buy clothes cause I saw some which were really nice so then we went to One Utama. But before that pergi makan Muhibbah dekat Sungai Penchala. IT WAS SO SEDAP I AM NOT KIDDING.
I have never eaten daging and ayam that was just so extremely lembut! Ya Allah alhamdulillah. Sedap gila ok hahah.

Then pergi Ou kan... we went to Mac store and abah bought me a Macbook Air. Ok alhamdulillah sangat sangat because I've been wanting it for so long. Last year I asked my mom if I could have a Macbook if I attained straight A+. And they granted my wish ya Allah alhamdulillah :D
And we went to Uniqlo to buy some clothes hihi. So by that time it was already 9.30 nearing 10. So yes I am nearing to my end of the day...

The day concluded with me driving home (for just a quarter of the journey haha) and I was just so tired and I am so thankful to Allah. Ya Allah thanks for those who made my day such a great one. I will never ever forget this :)

__________________________________________________________________________

So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and do not deny Me. (2:152)

All praise to Allah

Alhamdulillah. In my heart I am just scared to stop repeating praises to Him because I know that I do not deserve what Allah has given me. I haven't exactly been a good girl, yet Allah still gives all these wonderful things in life.

Maybe to remind me. To remind me to go back to the right path. To remind me to stop committing sins.
May I always remember to be a good girl, who obeys all the commands of Allah s.w.t.

And I would like to congratulate ALL my friends who have gained good results. Do remember who gave it to you.

Thanks so much to my parents for the endless support and my mom for comforting me everytime I feel down. Thanks to all my teachers for all the knowledge you've given me. Thanks to Sadiq, Farhanah, Iman, Asma, Khairin, Syafikah, Nina, Fawwaz, Afiq for always being there for me, always lending me your ears whenever I feel lonely and sad.
Thanks so much to my TGB batchmates, I love you guys.

We have a long way ahead of us, so keep on trying keep on working for what you want in life. Tapi jangan lupa akhirat pula, which is WAY MORE important.
Sentiasa niatkan setiap perkara yang kita lakukan kerana Allah.

Good luck to all my batchmates in your future lives. May we all succeed in dunya and akhirah.
I am so proud of TGB for (alhamdulillah) getting No. 1 in Malaysia!

SPM 2012

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

SPM. I have left SPM for 4 months now, and honestly, it's a huge relief.
I worked so hard for SPM. So when I get my results, Insha Allah I'll be thankful. The thing I am most scared of, is not getting results which aren't straight As, but that I won't be thankful for what I'll be receiving.
I'm scared that I'll be depressed which I shouldn't be because Allah has given me so much already.

So I'm reminding myself NOW, that no matter the outcome, it won't affect my future.
It won't help me in attaining Allah's love, it won't help me during akhirah when I have to answer Allah's questions. Allah won't even ask how many As I'll receive for SPM.

So my fellow batchmates, don't you fret if you don't receive what you dreamt for. May the results we'll be receiving in less than 24 hours initiate our will to do better.
Be thankful and remember that the results do not determine your success in life.
Don't torture yourself because of it, don't kill yourself because of it. Heck you could get 9Ds, but if you have a will to drive yourself to success, then I'm sure you will find a way.

We have a long way ahead after this.
I pray for our success in dunya and akhirah and may we all attain Allah's mercy and love, insha Allah.

In 5 years, insha Allah I'll be holding a degree in actuarial science, biiznillah.
Good luck to all SPM-ers 2012, may you all be thankful for whatever result you receive.

Dania, Tasha, Miss Alia, me and Haziyah right after the accounts paper :)

The Little Things

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

I won't let these little things, slip out of my mouth

Those are part of the lyrics from One Direction's 'Little Things'. I don't really know what it means though hahah.

There was once in Form 3, I had to walk home with my brother because my mom went somewhere. My house isn't particularly close. Hmm, 5km away maybe? Well I'm not sure but those living in BRP would understand that walking home wasn't THAT safe. Ahmad Shahir, who was my senior/close friend was completely outraged by the idea. He kept telling me not to walk home and tumpang someone instead. He told me that non-stop. I was getting annoyed by then because I really thought it was nothing (walking home I mean) since I had my brother anyway. But he still didn't let me go so we walked home anyway. And he, being the over-caring person he is, followed us and teman us for a bit and he still kept membebeling at me. He teman-ed us till Petronas and he told us to be careful. He shouted to my brother to take care of me and to run if someone attacked.

In Form 4, when I was in MRSM, I received a letter from Asma. And there was also a paper filled with my old classmates and friends' messages. When I read them, I was instantly happy and I smiled for the whole day.

There was this one time in Form 5, when I had an addiction to cocopie and I just HAD to tell everyone that I wanted cocopie. I really craved for it and wished I had a locker full of it. That night, I returned to my room, and there were two cocopies on my bed. I was just so ecstatic, euphoric, *insert more synonyms here*. I was like \^_^/ I genuinely thought Allah sent them to me hahahaha, and of course He was the one who gave it to me, but through Fairuz Syima.

There's this girl who said I'm her idol. When I read what she said, I felt like crying. Because,

• I'm not that good of a person. I still commit countless sins.

• I don't think I cover my aurah perfectly yet.

• There are just so many better role models than me (Aina Nadhirah, Fatin Munirah, Adreena etc etc)

But most of all, I cried because she made me feel like I'm worth something, that I'm better than what I think. Memang pujian itu racun, but in this case, it gave me spirit to improve myself even more. It made me want to be worthy to be called a role model.

Throughout my life, there have been so many beautiful people, teaching me lessons and giving me moments to remember. There are so many more little things that I will forever treasure. And I thank Allah for blessing me with these people. 

Snide Remarks.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

We may not realise it, but we talk behind people's backs a lot. Kutuk sini kutuk sana. Talk about them as if we know them - but we don't.
Lesson's learnt. I hope I remember at all times to keep my mouth shut and not talk bad about people. Because as we learnt in PAI (lulz) mengumpat is a big sin and should be avoided.

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should say something good or keep silent"

I've been slandered a lot at school. I always heard stupid, absurd rumours about me and the thing is that, most of them weren't even true. And I wouldn't have the faintest idea as to who started it. Everyday I'd walk around school, meet people and not knowing whether they really are my friend or not.
I mean, I think of ALL the girls as my friends, but they don't think of me that way lol.

But you know what, it might just be a lesson for me, to not talk bad about my friends. Siapa yang memang tak pernah mengumpat orang lain memang I salute you.
Inshaa Allah sama sama kita muhasabah diri balik.

Anyway, holidays have been good so far. I really like waking up each morning not having to rush for anything and doing whatever I want. And the thing is, I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. I can read the paper slowly and actually absorb the information.
And Alhamdulillah my Chinese classes are going okay. I'm struggling to remember all the words, all the strokes and all. It's quite difficult.
I'm still teaching tuition and I have 4 students now :)
And it's just... fun you know. I really don't regret not going to fast track or getting a job.

And I am also watching a Korean drama. And this is all Fatin Raihana's fault for sucking me into KDramas yet again (after I quit for so long).
It's called Flower Boy Next Door :3

Alhamdulillah, my life is great. And it always has been. Because Allah has always given me more than what I actually deserve.

Day and night

Assalamualaikum dear readers! If there are any... or I might just be talking to myself cause I'm so awkward like that hahaha.

I am though. Awkward I mean. I wouldn't say my state of social awkwardness is too critical but yes I am awkward sometimes. I'm weird as well. I say such random stuff that just boggles others.
I wouldn't say I'm likable. I wish I was.
People's first impression of me has never changed. "Sombong" or "Tak reti senyum" is what everyone would say. But it's just... how my face is and I can't change that. (I honestly think it's because of my small mouth).

I have so many things that I'd like to change about my past. I wish I could change the stupid decisions I made. I wish I could change how my attitude was in the past. I wish I could change a lot of things.
Sometimes I'd wonder about it and get all depressed.

But you know what. I remind myself that it's useless to ponder upon it as it's already engraved on what we call the past.
And if none of the bad things happened, I wouldn't be who I am today.
All of those have become lessons for me and others.

I have to learn to love myself. I think every person should. I'm still trying. So hard. My confidence level is around -5 and I'm not kidding.
I am constantly wishing that I am prettier and smarter and stuff. But I should be thankful. Allah has given me a complete body and I should be thankful for that. Ini semua duniawi. Tak perlu menagih lebih-lebih di sini.

And well, I shouldn't be complaining so much because,

ANIMALS HAVE PROBLEMS TOO.

______________________________________________________

And it is He who produced for you hearing and vision and hearts; little are you grateful. (23:78)

Broken

Assalamualaikum w.b.t dears.

Life at home has been quite uneventful. Yet, time still flies by so fast.
I'd be sitting on my bed and next thing I know, 10 minutes has passed and I'm like whaaaa....
It's a little scary to be honest.

Anyway, Mandarin classes are okay, today's my 4th one and the teacher said I'm saving my mom a lot of money cause I go through everything so fast. I'm learning to write the Chinese characters as well and heck are they hard. There's about 26 strokes and I have to memorise em all and what's so hard about it is because I don't get why the words end up like they do. Here's an example

There's no explanation at all why the words are like that. I just have to memorise it as it is. Haha. 

So Alhamdulillah it's all going good. 

And I need to start learning bahasa arab. My ustazah gave me a booklet of a translation of the Quran and she told me to study off from that. Ada the grammar sikit sikit and stuff but somehow I keep forgetting to.

And I've also been learning to cook. I cooked ketam masak lemak cili api yesterday and Alhamdulillah, it didn't taste bad heheh.

Ugh I've been wanting to make pizza but I haven't gotten round to it yet for reasons I don't even know. I should though you know. I should. 

And I've been trying my might to be a better person. Inshaa Allah...

Productivity

It seems that productivity has merged with holidays now.
No, I haven't gotten a job yet. But I have applied for work as a data entry clerk at RHB and a volunteer at Petrosains but neither have responded anything.

I am now attending Mandarin classes! Yay for me! Alhamdulillah. I initially wanted to learn French but dad said that French is now becoming a useless language and many French people are now learning English whereas Mandarin is an economical language, senang dapat kerja and stuff. So yeah, dad knows better so better I ikut je his advice nanti menyesal pula kan.

So she comes to my house and I had the first class tadi. Alhamdulillah it was okay. She said I'm a very fast learner and I pronounce accurately so yeah thanks to Allah :)
So inshaa Allah that goes well.

And I still want to learn French so maybe I'll buy myself a book or something keh keh. So many things to do,  but somehow we never get around to it.

I should memorise some verses from the Quran as well :-/

Peace

Assalamualaikum.

It seems like so many of the TGBians have gone off to college already for fast-track programme, and some have gone off to PLKN. Half of the remainder are working now. I am one of the few who is still at home duduk goyang kaki. sighs.

I recently applied for a job as a data entry clerk at RHB. I'm not putting much hope on it. Allah will give me what's best. And now all I'm doing is just trying to get my driving license. I went for the kursus amali yesterday and it was okay except for the part when my engine died aha. Thanks to Cik Iti for teaching me how to drive beforehand.

So yeah, all I'm doing now is fattening myself up. I think I might just be baking everyday because there's nothing else to do.
My weight has increased a lot but I don't give a crap anymore. As long as I'm healthy haha.

Darn it, my life is so interesting hahaha.

Twins of Faith 2012

Assalamualaikum everyone, thank Allah that we are still living right now :)

Last weekend, alhamdulillah, I had a chance to go tooooooo:

It was a family festival, Islamic conference at PICC (Putrajaya International Convention Centre).
There were international speakers such as Sh. Omar Suleiman, Sh. Daood Butt, Tawfique Chowdury and many more.
I had such a good time, so much knowledge I had earned there. My money and time was absolutely not wasted. Sh Yushaa Evans was supposed to be there but unfortunately his father had a stroke. His father is not a Muslim so Inshaa Allah we can pray for him :)

Anyway, if I get the chance maybe I'll type down some of the talks here :)
I hope I can apply the knowledge I earned in my life. After hearing those talks, I questioned what I have done with my life. I've wasted so much of it actually, but I'm trying to turn it around.
I hope this spirit will be consistent and I won't lose it.

I really hope I get to attend these kinds of events again.

I got a job as a tuition teacher for 3 Form 4 kids now - including my brother.
So, anyone want to promote me? Go on HEHE.

Thoughts

Assalamualaikum dears.
It's been a few weeks since the Al-Khadeem Youth Camp, but still I want and need to talk about it.
At first I was quite excited to attend the camp since it's an Islamic camp, and I was just thirsty for knowledge and everything.
So yeah when I arrived at Al-Khadeem, I saw many of the sisters were wearing niqab and everything and I was just so amazed and excited and not so unhappy to be leaving the comforts of home.

There was a briefing and everything bla bla bla then we were off on the bus to Hulu Selangor.
We were divided into groups and all and I was in group 10 and they chose me to be the group leader lol it reminded me so much of TGB though during that moment. And our group name was Humaira.
We had two facis for some weird reason and they both wore niqab :')

So anyway, to summarise it all up, at first all I wanted was to go home. That was mainly because of the condition of the dorm. I hated the dorm and the toilet because of it being dirty and all. I despise it till now.
But then at the end of the camp I was just so thankful that I attended it because of how much I learnt and all the amazing people I met.
I mean, we went river trekking right, and I mentioned that many facilitators were wearing niqabs and all, well they went river trekking with us! Along with their jubahs and all and it was momentous time for me because it completely changed my perspective of wearing niqabs.
This whole time I thought wearing a niqab would constrain women of outdoor activities. Don't get me wrong, I loved the idea of wearing a niqab, but I thought that when you wear it, you wouldn't be able to join like, aktiviti lasak and all.
But my time at the Al-Khadeem Youth Camp totally changed my views on it.
And it made me interested in wearing it you know :-)

So yes, the camp was a form of da'wah and it trained us to be young daeis. The people there inspired me so much and has given me spirit to spread da'wah and join all the Islamic talks and everything. It gave me more spirit to gain knowledge on Islam.
I really hope I can join next year.

Anyway, my holidays so far are okay. It's not a total waste. I've been teaching tuition and recently I have new students to teach. It's fun to be teaching yknow huehehe.
And my weight is like, increasing so much, I really need to stop eating, gawwddddd.

Chemical Bonds

Some people believe that friendship is built over time. You spend time with someone, get to know that person and voila, a bond is created.

Some believe that friendship is built when 2 people have the same interests, the same aspirations, same ideas etc. etc. 

But usually, friendship is built when 2 people care for each other.

Friendship is not as easy as having a cup of coffee together. Friendship is when you get admitted to the hospital and the other comes as visit as fast as possible. Friendship is when you tease each other but you don't feel offended. Friendship is when you're both quiet and awkwardness doesn't fill the atmosphere.

Friendship is not easily found. And when it is, it should be cherished. Every little memory together should never be forgotten. 

Till now, I guess only a small part of me loves TGB. Mostly I just miss the people there.

I miss the people who've been there for me all the time. The people who hugged me when I cried. The people who teased me endlessly. The people who supported me through good and bad.

All these people make my heart ache with longing. Wanting them back in my life. 

I miss my classmates who brighten up my days with laughter and smiles. Though I wish they'd disappear sometimes, I am so lucky to have had them as classmates.

I miss my roommates who are like my sisters now. Yes, they bully me a lot but somehow I know deep inside that we do care a lot for each other. 

I miss Sarah, Najwa, Mia, Athirah, Syima, Alin, Dalilah, these random people I've gotten close with who made my life much easier.

I miss Adreena who wakes me up (almost) every morning and teases me but at the same time cares for me.

I miss Izzat Irfan and the way he makes me crack up. 

I miss the teachers who have taught me millions of things.

Yes, I long to be around them now. But now it's all over. I won't be having any of them back now. I could meet them up, sure. But it won't be the same. I could tell myself that I won't be losing any of them but deep in my heart, I know I'll be keeping in touch with only a handful of them. It's frustrating to think that many of the people we've bonded so much with will become merely acquaintances. 

After my last paper which was Accounts, my class and I went on a short holiday together in Malacca. We stayed a homestay which was Alhamdulillah, free since the owner was our History teacher (BILLIONS OF THANKS TO PN ZARINA BEGAM).

We ate together, cooked together, went to Wonderland, spent time at Pn. Zarina's house, played bowling together. It was honestly fun because I had my classmates with me. Their jokes crack me up. Though we bicker and tease a lot, we do love each other. And I'm guessing I'll love them for a long time. 

Thank you Allah, for letting me meet all these wonderful people. Thanks for putting me in TGB and letting me build a new identity. To be the muslimah I've always wanted to be (though I'm still far from perfect).

Thank you Allah.

And it's been a week since the last accounts paper. Sorry I'm a little late because ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY COMPOSE A BLOG POST. Here's a video for you and I'M IN IT!

Fine

Sometimes, you don't realise how much God has given you.
Sometimes you don't realise you're going the wrong way.
Sometimes you don't realise what you received was best for you.

I'm still an immature, callow youth and there's much I haven't learned. But what I have learnt was that all those people, results, food, wealth don't mean a thing. Sometimes I forget, but I try to remind myself.
Sometimes I stop, and I think. All these things, these things we're so worried about, don't mean anything.
I've come to realise over the past year that what matters most is your relationship with Allah.

You could be freaking rich, or you could be shit genius, but without Allah, your life is empty.

He was the one who kept me going on in the years before I came here. I perservered in this place I hate so much because of Him. I know all those people who talk about me don't mean anything as long as I have Him and all my true friends around me.
I am so far from perfect and make the most stupid mistakes, but Dania reminded me that it doesn't matter as long as I'm always trying to change.
Farhanah tirelessly reminds me that she loves me and so many other people know the real me.
Sadiq is always there to advise me to be a good girl.
Mom is always there to give support.
And what's most important is that Allah is always there to listen, and in some way, comforts me.

Though I complain and despise this place, I've learnt so much about life. I've met so many people who inspired me to change. I've learnt to not be too sensitive and a little patient.

mihihi emotional nya -.-'

You could be sad and depressed of all the things that you have to face, or you could be bold and confident that you're better than what they tell you.

Life is like a wheel

That's what Haziyah frequently tells me. Hidup macam roda.
Trial MARA is over and boyyy was it dkxfjgnsdklhglekahglsghlh, just awesome *with a tone full of sarcasm you wouldn't think I was being sarcastic*

I freaking broke down after getting one of the papers but I quickly realised how stupid it is. I should be thankful.

"Mentor ingat tak ayat dalam surah al-Baqarah tu dia cakap, tak semestinya apa kita nak bagus untuk kita, and tak semestinya yang kita taknak tak bagus untuk kita"

                                          - Haziyah

Fish it, I'm okay. I have to stop being so materialistic. I'm good enough.

Anyway, 4 weeks of school has passed. SPM in another 42 (?) days. I'm pretty excited - not because SPM is close but because school is finishing.
I can't freaking wait to get out of this prison-like school.
There are only two things I'll miss about this school; being close to Allah, the people in it (not the vast majority but maybe 10% of the school population)
My roommates, my classmates, Sarah, Najwa, Farah, Nana, Ecah, Jannah, the BWPs, Alin, Dalilah. Oh them, who are 'sekepala' with me. Them who don't judge too quick. Them who can accept my weaknesses and support me.

I still haven't come to love this school, but I guess it's not as torturing.
And as my school life is coming to a close, I've found some aspirations to fulfill. It's time for me to go on and be a great woman who serves the nation (LOOOOOLLL)

Saya dilahirkan untuk beribadah kepada Allah. And that I shall do.
I have this dream; I want to work for Islamic banks and make people realise how powerful Islam is. How Islam is not merely a religion but a way of life.
I shall. One day you'll see me in the papers representing Islamic banks, and see how Islamic banks will one day be on the top.

Was that deep enough?
I need to complete some work now - formal dinner coming up which also implies that I will be busy for the next 2 weeks.
Fun awaits.

Remember darlings, have faith in Allah. Don't you be like me and cry over results. Allah knows what's best for you.