Second semester of my junior year, already! So much has happened, or so I believe. Passed my FM and P papers, and now soldiering on for MFE and C, which is just horrible. Not the papers. But horrible, the fact that I am dedicating my life to passing papers. Done with this one? On you go to the next.
Not sure if this is the life I want to live. The papers are supposed to add knowledge, prepare me for my supposed actuarial career.
I suspect it's actually due to the pressure I feel to do well in a place where everyone does well. Pressure from myself, specifically. Because the papers signify my value to the world. And it shouldn't. But I'm currently submitting to it. For now I am content with submitting to it, but I hope one day I snap out of it (probably after I finish passing the papers).
Besides the little introspection I've done on my goals and dreams, life has been very average lately. I've been doing the usual study, work, study, watch some Netflix, travel during breaks, back to studying. School has been the usual,
Struggle to pass my math classes (decided Math 523 is the next worst thing after Linear Algebra)
Exhaustion throughout the whole semester
Always feeling like you're not good enough cause you're surrounded by brainiacs
I managed to find myself in East Coast (New York, Boston, Niagara Falls, Washington DC), Hong Kong, Japan, Texas, Florida over the past few months which is all very very exciting! Every trip, I discover something new, about people about places, sometimes about myself. I've always wanted to actually blog about my trips but time is just trickling away from me...
Finally going to Niagara was... blissful. Going to Niagara was something I dreamt of as a 13-year-old. Those days when it was all just talk with my parents about travelling around the United States and finally 7/8 years later it wasn't just talk anymore. Seeing Niagara with my own eyes was nothing less than astounding. There's just something about realising a childhood dream...
(next up is Santorini, I've always wanted to go there ever since I read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants)
The reason I brought up Niagara was bc I wanted to share:
I recently submitted a short story entry for Buku Fixi, which is edited by Anwar Hadi and (for some reason but Alhamdulillah) one of my short stories was chosen to be in the book. So my work will actually be published in a book that will be sold which is uber weird.
But I was so ecstatic when I found out last night!!
Those days when I left the stories I wrote all around the house, and my parents encouraging me to write more after they found the papers I wrote on.
Those days when my teachers at the the school I went to in Holland encouraged me to improve my writing. When Ms McCracken introduced me to new styles of writing. And that time Mrs. Gardella asked a few of us, including me, to write stories for her to put in the library.
But those days when I dreamt of becoming an author died.
Returning to Malaysia, it was all exam life. No more encouragements. Exams, studying. I did manage to get published in the school magazine but that was it. I forgot about those days I sat writing whatever story I wanted to tell. Those days I read about how an author got to be where he/she is now.
And now they have somewhat been realised. And heck I know it's a not a big popular book but to actually have my work published is just unbelievable.
But I think the main thing I'm taking from this is that. Dreams don't just die. And they're not impossible to achieve.
I think finding the right opportunity and not wasting it is important.
I'm eternally thankful for this moment, not because I think it's a great feat, but because of how it has reminded me that you shouldn't just throw your dreams, because it's def possible as long as you work for it.
And yes you hear cliche stuff like this all the time, but actually going through it myself has made me finally believe that it's true.
You could say I'm reignited now. And I hope none of us will think that we can't do whatever we've wanted and let our flames die. You have so much in you to make it work.